Back to the blogosphere

April 7, 2016 § Leave a comment

It’s been a hell of a time. I spent the last three years in Calgary being with my family in a difficult time. In Calgary I had 6 more months to see my Grandma before she passed away and a year and a half more with my older sister before she passed away. While both grieving and supporting my family we heard of many more close family and friends getting cancer and passing away and in December we attended a funeral service for my sister in laws brother who was only just my age.

In Calgary I had a decent job and was very close to my family, I learned to appreciate the growth Calgary is experiencing with new cultural events, festivals, arts and culture, and the vast outdoor culture there for cycling, hiking, water and snow sports in the city and mountains.

But I had to get out of there. Since graduating high school, and experiencing what the world has to offer I got depression when I was around 19 and guess what? It doesn’t go away. It’s a roller coaster of ups and downs that seem to go away sometimes when you get everything under control but then it all comes back. So I quit my job and moved back to Victoria. I’m making life goals like ‘go back to school and finish your degree’ ‘get out debt, get a job’ ‘travel the world, get in shape, go on adventures’ which are all very daunting but screw it.

Step 1: find some cash to fund a roadtrip to ontario (now gotta find more cash as it turns out boyfriend and I are more in debt than we thought)

Step 2: Hike the West Coast Trail cuz dammit that looks good.

Step 3: Roadtrip to ontario. Visit Family. See the country

Step 4: Work a CISV Village camp. (a summer camp for worldwide 11 year olds coming together to make friends and build peace). Maybe get some reimbursement for my time.

Step 5: Drive back, stopping in Calgary to see new baby niece or nephew.

Step 6: Go back to school. Maybe in 5 years you’ll have a degree. Hopefully you can handle it this time?

I’ve had this plan in my head for awhile now, well, not really actually i suppose really just since like February 1st. But the whole move back to Victoria and finish your degree and been planted since I first dropped out 4 years ago. My parents and boyfriends parents and families don’t really support this because

a) we’re skint broke, living with boyfriends parents and haven’t had jobs in awhile. Also I have no way to pay for school….

b) our mental stability hasn’t been awesome lately. So maybe everyday has some crying or panicking in it. Sleep hasn’t been great and things are all over the place. I can deal.

 

I’ve decided that against all odds I can do whatever the fuck I want. So let the adventure begin! This is really mostly my journal anyway so there’ll be some emotional entries, some looking back. Some lessons being learnt and way too much personal information.

 

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2014

June 26, 2015 § Leave a comment

1. What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before?

– lost someone I loved, went to Iceland and Hawaii, went surfing, went to Shambhala

2. Did you keep your New Year’s Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t remember

3. Did anypony close to you give birth?

I can’t remember really, so I guess no one very close. This year was a blur.

4. Did anypony close to you die?

Grandma in February, and my sister Katy.

5. What countries did you visit?

Iceland, and the USA (Hawaii)

6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?

A new plan for life, with hope, friends, and love to get me through.

7. What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

February 14 and October 15, the losses of grandma and my sister.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Planning a trip to Iceland and exploring with just me and John.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Staying in one job that wasn’t getting me anywhere, and not spending more time with Katy.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nope.

11. What was the best thing somepony bought you?

I don’t know, but John has helped me so much this year with small gifts of chocolate, and other food that make me happier on a bad day.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Katy, for being so strong in her last year, fighting to make it to 31 and giving us her time and energy even when it was hard.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Mine most of the time, and my jobs.

14. Where did most of your bits go?

Iceland, and hawaii

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Iceland for sure.

16. What song will always remind you of 2014?

Always look on the bright side of life, and the song from the Muppets.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Sadder.
b) fatter or skinnier? fatter
c) richer or poorer? Poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Being with family.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

less of doing nothing.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

In Maui with family.

21.Did you fall in love in 2014?

Already was, and fell more in love with my family, my sweet grandma, and my strong sister.

22. How many one night stands?

None

23. What was your favourite TV program?

Gilmore Girls

24. Do you hate anypony now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No

25. What was the best book you read?

I am Malala, Kite Runner, Great Expectations

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Embassy Lights

27. What did you want and get?

Trips out of Calgary, to Shambhala, Iceland and hawaii

28. What did you want and not get?

Health for Katy

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

can’t remember!

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Went to Shakespeare in the park with John, and painted splatter paint

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Katy not being sick, or at least my spending more time with her.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?

Clothing swaps.

33. What kept you sane?

John, Family, pictures of cats, my friend Joey keeping in touch with me from the coast.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Hannah Hart, Lil’ Bub

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Next years election

36. Who do you miss?

Now, my sister. Before, my friends on the coast, and even the friends in Calgary who I don’t see often.

37. Who was the best new pony you met?

I don’t know

38. What was the best thing you ate?

Some of the recipes from the Alive magazine I get from work are awesome, like roasted cauliflower with pine nuts and sundried tomatoes

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.

Enjoy every moment you have and really TRY, its gets hard, it gets harder, and you have to keep going and try harder to keep going. TRY as hard as you can to enjoy every moment you have with the people you have and to experience everything.

2013

December 30, 2013 § Leave a comment

2013

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

– Go to Europe, Ran a 10k race, got evacuated from my house due to natural disaster, go to seattle (first time in NW USA)

2. Did you keep your New Year’s Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t even remember my resolutions but I dropped school (again), and my depression and anxiety were not in control this year at all so I’m guessing no? Though running 10k seemed like an accomplishment for resolutions. I’ll of course make new ones, at least for a month they make me pretty productive.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin Nathan had his third boy named Rex Sylvester! My Katimavik friend Lydia had a baby and my high school friend Megan had a baby too!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Our family friend Gord died this year. He was always very sweet and also the first Santa Claus I remember meeting.

5. What countries did you visit?

France and Spain! 2 week trip to Europe! Also I drove the I-90 to Seattle for a week.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

I would like more health in body and mind, and more goals and motivation. I would like something more to look forward to.

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 13 when I left for Europe for the first time, June 20 for the great Calgary flood coming and kicking my family out of their new homes, June 27 for Fraser and Kat’s Wedding, and this year being when John moved with me to Calgary making the move much easier.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Keeping up a running clinic for four months and running a 10k race.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Dropping university AGAIN, and not having a job for 8 months. Generally losing sight of goals and motivations, and losing myself when I moved back home.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

just a nasty flu/food poisoning mystery whatsit going around my house and roommates.

11. What was the best thing someone bought you?

My parents paid for my trip to Europe, which meant so much to me to travel with my sister and see new places and old art i’ve been dying to see. My brother in law took me to see cirque du soleil for the first time and in the VIP tent, and John continues to decorate me with ammonite and jellyfish earrings. 

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

My sisters. She got cancer for the third time, but continued to be active in everyones lives as a positive and generous person, and looking at life with humour (no matter how she may look at it in her private moments) Spending more time with her and seeing her as a role model this year has helped me find new ways to shape my life around having depression and anxiety.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Mine. 

14. Where did most of your money go?

2 expensive fines from driving to seattle, the flood, unemployment, car accident.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Europe, Fraser’s wedding, John coming to live in Calgary

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?

Hell or High Water, the Joey Chaos ‘Polarizer’ Album, and a ton of radio pop songs.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Sadder. This year didn’t go at all how I’d hoped.
b) fatter or skinnier? a bit weaker and heavier i think
c) richer or poorer? Poooooorer. In debt. So much debt. It just keeps piling on.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Making friends, working, going to school. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Crying, feeling sorry for myself for no reason, feeling useless.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Worked christmas eve but greeted at church like always at night, had christmas morning with parents, grandparents and some siblings, went to my aunts for extended family time and videochatted with my sister. Went to Carbon on boxing day and got to know my cousin Chelsea a bit more.

21.Did you fall in love in 2013?

Already was, and fell in more in love with my little nephew harrison as he turned from baby to toddler!

22. How many one night stands?

None!

23. What was your favourite TV program?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, My little Pony.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No, just floods.

25. What was the best book you read?

Cat’s Cradle, Hyerbole and a half, Watership down, Slaughterhouse five

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

More Joey Chaos, i listened to a lot of top 40 on the radio for some reason but no great discoveries there.

27. What did you want and get?

28. What did you want and not get?

Same as last year, a job for way too long, progress in school, friends in calgary. Any idea of what i’d like to do in the future.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Frozen

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Tore down drywall in my room, kitchen, bathroom and basement. Cleaned up after the flood and ate cake a coworker of my Dads bought for me.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not living with parents, not moving to calgary, katy not being sick. Any of those.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

eeny meeny miny mo? I tried a few new things but honestly had no idea how to put an outift together.

33. What kept you sane?

John, Family, pictures of cats, my friend Joey keeping in touch with me from the coast.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Hannah Hart, Lil’ Bub

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Pipeline still, floods everywhere. I was fascinated and pleased with the new Pope Francis’ changes to the church.

36. Who do you miss?

Everyone on the coast sooo so much, i miss being social and feeling like I have friends.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Some folks at community foods are pretty rad, but i really didnt meet any new friends or people this year.

38. What was the best thing you ate?

Food in France. It was so gooood.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.

Sometimes everything goes wrong and it seems like your just going downhill. But you have to keep trying, for both yourself and others, and focusing on and helping others makes a big difference.

How Well Have I Done?

July 30, 2013 § Leave a comment

 October 2009 – January 2011 – July 29 2013 (early rehash, actual date will be October)

1. Live in Montreal for awhile
2. Become accepted to a school outside of calgary
3. move out.
4. Look and act and feel how i want 
5. Write a song and record it
6. Write to my friends snail mail style  
7. work for a cause that i care about. Bridge Foundation last year and CLing. There are many more to pursue of course and i'll get more specific now.
8.celebrate the toast traditon on New Years.  4 years running!
9.eat raw for a month
10.make a list of 100 good things that have happened to me
11. Ride a motercycle
12. learn one respectable dance routine
13. donate blood regularly
14. take a road trip across Canada. May-June 2010 Victoria BC to Trois-Rivieres Quebec with Morgan.
15.learn to longboard.
16. Sleep in a hammock
17. leave something beautiful in a public space.
18. Go outdoor Rock climbing.
19. Go kiteboarding.
20. Learn sign language
21. go to the opera.
22.geocache more
23.paint a mural
24. Get Strong and nimble like a ninja
25. visit Europe
26. Live off of small love gestures every day
27.drink tea every day for a month
28. Live without money on my own for a month
29. Learn a complete song in french
30. knit something wearable.
31. Go camping on my parents island
32.celebrate the holidays of every religion.
33. volunteer on a farm
34. travel for three months with one bag May-July 2010
35. be active in an environmental organization
36. volunteer actively.
37. Run each day for a month
38. read books my mom recommends
39. Stand up to my mom about things i don't agree with her. ( done Aug 3rd )
40.on my friends birthday, treat them to chocolate at every meal.
41. nap in a tree
42.Live in a yurt for at least a month
43.spend a day blindfolded.
44. learn german poetry
45. learn to read music (again).
46. Play an actual songs on the piano for free ice cream.
47. learn origami by heart.
48. do more yoga.
49.have a wardrobe consisting only of materials I’ve got secondhand or for free. 
50. have themed dinners
51.compose a (real) song.
52. eat vegan for a year. revised to PROPERLY vegan for a year. I've been a vegan for 2 years now but thereve been many slip ups and difficulties
53.write more letters
54. join a band again
55. Make a quilt to give to a friend
56.Perform poi.
57.  visit every province and territory in Canada - 5 done
58.improve my French - Explore program accomplished July 2010, still working on fluency
59. learn more about plants and survival skills
60. become an enviro teacher to youth
61. start a tam tams group
62. perform at steeps (Steeps Shut Down :( )
63.create a youth enviro group
64. Do Canada World Youth
65. Human services diploma?
66.General Studies diploma?
67.Global Stewardship diploma?
68. Live on Vancouver Island August 2010
69. Get a degree.
70. Go ocean kayaking
71. Go backpacking
72. Learn to hoop!
73. paint something each month or two.
74. blog every day for a year
75. pay off student loan or Visa
76. sail in the pacific ocean
77. read all the books on BBC's top 100 booklist 
78. Run a marathon/Triatholon
79. Increase my vocabulary - Use one new word a day
80. Write a poem I'm proud of and read it at a poetry night
81. Take more pictures - own a good camera and take it everywhere. Create scrapbooks and albums
82. Learn my grandfathers history
83. Increase my Safety Certifications
84. Be an english language assistant in France for 7 months :D 
85. Go to university in another country on exchange
86. Bake a cake for someones birthday
87. get a scholarship
88. Work at Camp Tamarack
89. get dreads
90. See the northern lights
91. Sleep in a teepee
92. Have shoulder surgery. ouchy shoulder.
93. Hike around Lake Louise
94. Cross-country ski in Canmore
95. See Chaps (the only katimavicker i havent seen since we did the program)
96. live with a cat again.
97. redfish environment school program
98. Learn a proper tai chi form to do while drinking chai tea
99. Have a Katimavik Reunion
100. Hang out with my sister more
101. Feel accomplishment after 1001 days!

7 Months later

July 30, 2013 § Leave a comment

Twice I have tried to do a 101 things to do in 1001 days list. It is supposed to bring you accomplishment by knowing that at least you completed SOME thing on the list. This list is actually kind of disappointing. With anxiety and depression, making goals that you want very much, and not seeing them completed, often due to stressing over these goals through personal limitations, is just awful. 
So I am going to do two things, 

1. Look over my past list, cross out what I have finished. and then discard it from my goals.

2. Make a new 101 things in 1001 days, with simple, reasonable goals. 

The challenge will be choosing what is ‘reasonable’ to me, but i’ll give’r a go.

2012

January 2, 2013 § Leave a comment

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
– Jumped out of a plane for a solo parachute jump.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Not at all, my resolutions were to get better grades and i ended up dropping school for the year. On the plus side, my panic and anxiety attacks have been better controlled than ever and without any meds.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My brother and his fiance had their first child Harrison! My first nephew, my parents first grandchild.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Not any person this year, though the Katimavik program died, and was a huge shock.

5. What countries did you visit?

None.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

Motivation, Determination, Persistance.

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

March 27 for my first nephew being born. August 31 for my brothers wedding on top of Kicking Horse Mountain. May 5 having Cinco de Mayo with Riley and Joey and becoming moonworshippers in ponchos. Christmas this year being the first christmas i brought a partner home, and it being a wonderful holiday back home.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finding someone I can see a future with for the first time, having the best support and motivation alongside me.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Dropping out of university.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

god sick a few times, realized i’m lactose intolerant, scratched my cornea. Cracked my fibula.

11. What was the best thing someone bought you?

Necklace from my bf, for what it meant to me, successfully dating someone for a year.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Johns, for what he’s had to put up this year, all the crazy antics and mood swings i’ve had, and for seriously motivating me to get better, and be a better person.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Mine. 

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent. Food. Living off unemployment and minimum wage.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Harrison, Going to Calgary with John, Jumping out of the plane.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?

For once i don’t really know. Let’s say… weakerthans songs, anything that mentions Japan, and songs written by Fall Fair Car, Jackson Macdonald, and the Fresh Pots.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Way happier at this moment. and scared of how awesome this next year will be.
b) fatter or skinnier? Same
c) richer or poorer? Poooooorer. In debt. So much.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Going to School. Socializing. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Panicking.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Went to Calgary on christmas eve, My sister hosted Christmas, John came in for christmas dinner, carbon for boxing day, Stayed at Katys house, partied at Frasers, hung out in Lake louise, at Morgans hot tubbing, and around the old neighbourhood.

21.Did you fall in love in 2012?

Yes. For real this time.

22. How many one night stands?

one

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Avatar. Misfits. 

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Nope. But I hate Stephen Harper way more now.

25. What was the best book you read?

Story of B, My Ishmael, and Story of Progress.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

John, Jackson, Gold and Shadow.

27. What did you want and get?

Support, Stability in my emotions, less drama, a wonderful person to be with. Awesome roommates.

28. What did you want and not get?

A job for the longest time. A good job. Progress in school.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

the Hobbit.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Went swimming with John, Riley and Seth. In the same week though I went to a friends party and she made me cupcakes. I hadn’t really planned anything for my 22nd.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not panicking, and dropping out of school.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

Hate to say it, but Skrillex.

33. What kept you sane?

John, Family.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

can’t think of any at the moment.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Stephen Harpers Omnibus budget bill and Enbridge’s Pipeline.

36. Who do you miss?

My family more and more in Calgary. Morgan and Lexi.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Harrison.

38. What was the best thing you ate?

Fondue and Poutine.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.

Sometimes giving up makes you more motivated to get it all back and doing even better. And nothing is more valuable than having one great supportive person during a hard time.

2011 – DONE

December 31, 2011 § Leave a comment

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
– had wisdom tooth and shoulder surgery, went to New York, signed lease/pay rent, competed in the Quidditch World Cup, Whistled

2. Did you keep your New Year’s Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Still no. The grades must get better, and it’ll still be my resolution this year. My resolution to fix my emotions came through though

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yup! My cousin Nathan had his second baby boy Henry, and my cousin Katrina had her first child Rowan!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My cat Pywacket

5. What countries did you visit?
New York City in the US

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Drive. Balance. Focus.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Reading Week in the Spring going to Parksville to Rave and have a blast. Vancouver and Parksville trip before the start of the fall semester, hanging with Scott, Jocelyn, Bradley, Riley, and the Naimi Roys. Quidditch Rookie Party, Halloween and Victory Party,  Reading Week in the Fall going to New York for Quidditch.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Overcoming depression, solidifying the ‘family’ of the quidditch team

9. What was your biggest failure?

Miscommunication with some friends, failure in school

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
dislocated my shoulder 3 more times ending with surgery

11. What was the best thing someone bought you?
Parents paid for way too much for me this year, including school and rent and new york

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
This year my circles of friends changed and i love the way they are. My friends seth, jocelyn and jesse have been great listening ears, and honest friends who i love. I think the quidditch team this year earned major props for their ability to bond with people they’d never expect to, to talk about their feelings, and laugh at their shame, all to finally work as a team.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I had a friend react in a way i didn’t expect and it made a tear in our friendship

14. Where did most of your money go?

Tuition, Rent, Quidditch

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Vancouver-Parksville trip and New York mostly

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Barbara Streisand by Duck Sauce, Make a man out of you from Mulan, Skrillex, and any songs written by my island friends this year

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? insurmountably way happier
b) fatter or skinnier? Same
c) richer or poorer? Poooooorer. Unemployment sucks

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Working to earn my own keep instead of relying on parents

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Making Drama for myself

20. How did you spend Christmas?

At my parents new condo, and in bragg creek. Spent the week with family coming in and out, special guest appearances from my van island cousins.

21.Did you fall in love in 2011?

Fell out of love with one and in love with many. The future is bright

22. How many one night stands?

Bow.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Community

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Nope.

25. What was the best book you read?

The Help

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Friends in Victoria: Seth, Jesse, Jackson, Josiah

27. What did you want and get?

Real Emotions instead of depression, Confidence, Bonding with friends

28. What did you want and not get?

A Job, student loans

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

The Muppets

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Went to the cabin with close friends to turn 21, Drank, played settlers, span poi, swam in waterfalls and shot fireworks

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not being shoulder-gimped

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Confident, Tank girl-esque, Different

33. What kept you sane?

Quidditch peeps and Island friends

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Joey Richter, Alex Benepe

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Occupy Wall Street

36. Who do you miss?

Morgan and Lexi when i’m in Victoria, Folks still living up island

37. Who was the best new person you met?

The entire Quidditch Team

38. What was the best thing you ate?

Stuffed Portabello mushrooms

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

It gets better, if it’s not better try to change your life around till it is, Show your true self, No shame, No regrets, Don’t worry about it.