Growing into me. A tale of two minds

December 29, 2011 § Leave a comment

Ever look back a month, 6 months, a year, and see how much you are not who you once were anymore? Parts of our past selves stay with us, but to form a new self completely.

Looking back on 2011 I see two polar opposites, and I know the new year i’ll be even more different.

2 years ago I was diagnosed with mild depression. This mostly included a lot of crying without knowing why and then crying because i didn’t know why i was crying, a lot of sleeping, not a lot of trust in my own feelings and values, etc. not the best time, but my family and friends were very supportive. I was also in a relationship in which i was very dependant, very controlling, and during my depression outbursts, very brutal with my words and emotions. I still put it to merely coincidence that my depression both began and end with him, but I thank him for the support, patience and help i was given from him to grow out of it. When first meeting we had similar values, but as time passed I wanted more experiences, more living with chances and risks, but he didn’t, so i held back.

At the end of june we split, my childhood house that my family lived in for all my life and more was sold, my cat of 16 years passed away, i house sat alone in my old neighbourhood for two months, I tried new things, my tastebuds seemed to change so that things like beer, wine, and coffee, tastes that used to make me want to puke, were now okay. I confronted friends whom I had been attracted to about How i felt towards them. The summer was filled with learning what i felt honestly, living in the moment, on impulses and freedom. It changed who I am. Depression melted away into a thing of the past. I decided i’d live more liberally for awhile, learn what it would feel like to know what people thought of me when i didn’t hold back on who i was, this created some beautiful memories and experiences, little sleep, and some troubles.

the main problems i ran into were these:

1. You ever hear of word-vomiting? This is one of the things i do that im both happy for, and what i dread as well. Saying things without thinking can make you honest, but some people arent ready for what you have to say, and sometimes you say things youre thinking at the time, but may not be true at the moment or later.

2. This latter half of the year i found myself get closer to a lot of people and got to know people and be known by people, a lot better. But, I found that it’s all too easy to love everyone. I got to know friends i had admired on facebook and in person for years, i got to know people i’d been merely acquaintences before friends and i realized something. My friends are freaking beautiful. They are amazingly talented. It’s impossible not to love them truly. So what do you do when you feel like you’ve been trapped in a cage for years and then set free? When you find yourself surrounded by friends you love and find out they too love you back? i feel like i’m alluding to something orgy-like so i’ll stop here saying no, i did not partake in an orgy, or throw myself at every person i met like a loose woman. But I did act upon my feelings and it may have hurt the people i loved, but it also did a lot of good, and i feel a stronger connection.

Maybe it didn’t help that my circles of friends also drank and inhibitions do get crazy. The Quidditch Club i hung out with in particular went through a frenzy of bonding nights and activities getting to know eachother verrry well. 😉 I look forward to next semester when i can relax and watch the madness happen to a new batch of rookies.

So, at the end of the year i’m exhausted with learning, growth, experience. I’ve decided to not regret, but to live with laughing at my own stupidity and mistakes, and apologizing and speaking openly with those i’ve hurt. I think the next year holds a new word to counter this polar opposite crazytrain year: BALANCE.


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